Frank Incensed at Nativity 'Slur.'

Frank Greenwood, 33 of St Bede's Close, Withering Heights, was arrested yesterday after starting a fight at The Withering Heights Womans' Nativity play. A police spokesperson said the assailant had 'Apparently taken great umbrage because they had depicted the baby Jesus as a woman and that the three wise men, were an all female singing troupe from St Helens whose act consisted of constant references to 'female plumbing.'' The accused, a sheet metal worker, had spent several hours in The White Lion drinking strong continnetal lager before going along to the nativity play. It was only when 'Jospephina, picked up the 'son of God and said' It's a girl,' did Greenwood allegedly throw the first punch which connected with the angel Gabriel and sent her reeling into the cowshed. The police were called and Greenwood was taken to the police cells to be questioned. Amanda Fotherington-Haysmith, the director of the play said she was 'appalled' at his behaviour and hoped the magistrates would throw the book at him. Baby Jesus was unhurt in the fracas, although she did sustain a few cuts and bruises after an altercation with a couple of Asses in the Manger. The doctors passed her fit and she will be appearing in the last show, which is tomorrow, the 17th December at the Womans' Refuge Centre on Cross Street. Frank Greenwood is to appear before Withering magistrates on the 21st of December.


Dear sir,

I am not having cameras in my bins. Gordon Brown should spend more time looking into the Bankers Bonuses than snooping around in my bin. I for one will be petitioning the Home Secretary as I think it is an attack on my civil liberties. What goes into my bin is my concern and nobody elses. What next, cameras in our stomachs to see what we're eating?

Yours


Graham Batty



Dear Sir,

Apropos Bins. I propose that a group of us should go down to the Town Hall and look through the Councillors bins and see what they throw away. I'm sure that would be very illuminating.
What next stool monitors in the sewers?


The Reverend Tony Malpas. Rtd.




Blog.

Uni friend desperate to meet up again for her company Christmas Party. I just know where that will end up. Drunken and guilt ridden and all rather messy. I'll text her later.

Pie Crust Grotto

News update on The Pie Crust Christ story.....

The face of Jesus,which appeared in Mrs. Greenwood's Wimberry pie, and then became an instant Youtube hit has found its way all the way to the Vatican. His holiness, Pope Benedict, has sent his Papal Nuncio to Withering Heights to look deeper into Mrs. Greenwood's pie. There has been no official statement from The Vatican yet, but it is believed the Nuncio arrived with the Papal forensic unit which comprises a unique carbon dating testing kit and the pie was taken away to Manchester University for tests. Mrs. Greenwood has been told that a decision on the validity of 'The Pie Crust Christ,' will take a couple of months, although The Withering Heights Tourist Information Office have told this reporter that there have been hundreds of inquiries from Catholic associations worldwide. Mrs Greenwood would not comment on the runour that she is looking for funds to develop a Pie Crust Grotto but it is known that one of her children has been in contact with the Lourdes PR Office.

Take me to Cuba and don't spare the horses

Sue Greenwood, our secretary, returned from her three week SALSAFEST in Cuba today. She's salsa'd to the max and swivelling around the office like a sleb on Strictly Come Dancing. The table is littered with photos, especially Juan, her salsa teacher from Rochdale, who seems to appear in every one holding a drink and the breasts of whichever unfortunate female happens to be next to him. Juan is from Rochdale, and his real name is Ken. He was a gas fitter before he had a Paulian conversion to Salsa on the Manchester Road after seeing The Buena Vista Social Club at The Ritz. His hips haven't stopped since. His accent is Cubastrian, half Havana, half Lancashire. Sue has been infected with the Juan gene and can't walk into a room without wiggling a hip or three, and if I hear another salsa mega mix tape as I attempt to meet a deadline, I'll club her to death with her own marracas. She bought me a bottle of Club Havana, which she wants me to open, but I refuse, telling her it's only 9.30 in the morning, but she says it doesn't matter what time it is, it's always party time in Cuba, which is fine I say, but as we're in Withering at the beginning of December and the paper needs to get out, having a party is the last thing we should be doing. 'Instead of having an Advent Calender, and opening a window every day, can't we have a nip of Rum, to jolly us along?' She asks. 'No.' I reply but think its a damned good idea nonetheless. Will put it to our commander in chief, Miranda, and I know what her answer will be.
Off to The White Lion to do an Anglo Saxon Foxtrot.

Back to the Future

Blog.


Still getting mad texts from ex girlfriend from Uni, although with recent developments haven't dared to meet up again. Nothing too dramatic happened when we met up a week last Friday. There still seemed to be something there, although a part of me couldn't help wondering whether the frisson I felt, was merely the idea of doing something underhand, rather than anything sexual. We had a good natter though and lots of laughs. Haven't laughed like that for years. I got a taxi home and we promised to meet up again and then the banks decided to renage on the overdraft. And so that put the kybosh on that for a while. Miranda was brilliant. Paper back on track and we have a campaign to sort out. The council want to demolish some houses and turn it into a car park. Will they ever learn?

Council eyes camera option to spy on household rubbish

Responding to a new Governement White Paper, Withering Parish Council have initiated a proposal to monitor waste disposal in the valley. With the new wheelie bin proposal having been given the green light, councillors are now looking into the idea of monitoring what we throw into our rubbish bins. A wheelie bin with a miniture camera on the lid will record everything that is thrown away. This new high tech camera, complete with nano x-ray, will be able to see what every householder throws into their bins. Monitored at a regional disposal unit, it will give daily updates on what householders are disposing of in their wheelie bins. Asked to comment on this proposal, Councillor Greenwood, Head of Refuse, Recycling and Wheelie Bin activity said.
'Central government is very keen on recycling, as are we, and as a forward thinking authority we need to keep abreast of all available technology that enables us to monitor what is acceptable and not acceptable in refuse management. For far too long the residents of Withering have been putting any old rubbish into their bins, and its time they stopped.'
Keith Batch, head of CRAP, Council Refuse Alternative Practices said. 'Once again the council have gone completely overboard with this Big Brother CCTV action. Cameras in your bin? What Next?' He said. An energy meter on your mattress. This is state control gone mad!'
The new proposal will be put forward to the Refuse ans Recycling Cabinet at their next meeting on Wednesday 2nd December.

The editor and all the staff at The Withering News apologise for the failure to produce a paper last week. Due to recent global financial developments and circumstances beyond our control, the paper failed to hit the newstands. We are now back and thank you for your continued support.

The Editor.

Waltzing Matilda

For the first time in its 180 year history, The Withering Heights News missed its deadline last week, as the toxic world of the banking crisis poked us in the eye with a very big stick . Miranda and I had been called in to meet our bank manager, Roger Greenwood, a 55 year old serial wearer of Boxing Day jumpers, who, although over the years had torn several strips off us for our Cavalier action in running our business accounts, had never tried to foreclose on us. Last week he was summarily retired by the banks new owners, an aggressive Antipodean outfit called Maguire Bank. We were called into the regional head office to meet our new business manager, a boy graduate called Wayne O'Connell, an inhabitant of Melbourne, with the teeth and gelled tonsure more akin to an Australian soap than the trading floor of an international banking organisation. His whole demeanour was reptilian which wasn't helped by me unconsciously humming 'Waltzing Matilda.' Miranda gave me a nudge and the boy graduate smirked. Little did I know that he had lost a grandfather at Galipoli and we were about to pay for Churchill's errors.
'The bank is calling in the overdraft.' He looked up and steepled his hands. 'And we have temporarily closed your account until funds have been deposited that will bring it back into credit.' I am not a religious man but I went on a five minute rant about him kneeling at the altar of Mammon. I stated that if 'The son of God,' were here , he would throw him and his ilk out of the Temple forthwith for their userous actions. This was greeted with another smirk. 'You have 24 four hours.' Miranda was brilliant. She calmly stated that she had been negotiating a remortgaging of our house and would have the money by close of business today. The boy wonder nodded and said. 'Great. If you can have the paper work in front of me as soon as, we can see where we go from here.' He was all platitudes and styrofoam coffee. He stood up. '24 Hours.' He went to shake my hand which I declined. Miranda however, obliged and said good bye. We live to fight another day. When we got outside I gave her a hug. We might be mortgaged to the hilt but at least those rapacious bastards at the bank won't have won. Yet!


Blog.

All phone calls and texts with ex girlfriend on hold as all hands required to fight for survival. Headline will be tomorrow, five days late but at least we're still here. No doubt the letters page will be full and thank God for that!

Letters to Editor

Dear Sir,

Am I the only resident of Withering Heights who finds it utterly appalling that the town council should even consider allowing a Lesbian Pole Dancing Club? As a man of the cloth I promote tolerance, but thrusting it into people's faces over a ham and brie baguette is beyond the pale. I for one call on our elected politicians to stand firm and as a matter of principle declare Withering Heights the first Pole Dancing free town in England, Lesbian or not!


Yours Faithfully

The Right Reverend Ian McCRacken ( Retd.)



Dear Sir,


The very thought of allowing The Sapphic tendancy free reign in our beautiful town is becoming intolerable. Is it not bad enough that we have to witness ladies in comfortable shoes kissing and carrying on in the square as it is, without them whooping and holloring as some poor East European gal swings her tassled nipples for their sexual delight. I will be starting a petition to make sure that there will never be such an establishment in this town.




Appalled,


Eugenia Fairweather.





Dear Editor,

As the President of GAIN, Gay Activists International, I applaud Ms Grann's attempts to establish a Lesbian Pole Dancing Club in Withering Heights. I see the council's refusal of a licence, as a typical infringement of a Lesbian's right to express her sexual rights and freedoms in this repressive age. It is about time the sisterhood stood firm and announced that we will not hide our sexuality anymore.

Angela Connolly

President of GAIN.


Blog.

Friday night with ex girlfriend from uni was great. Will tell you more later but Miranda on the warpath.